"This mortal body has grown weak, I need sustenance.": How to Catch Vermin: Special Edition: The Dark Side of Free Will

I'm sure that many of your are thinking that this post will discuss the moral degeneration of America. You are 14.5632656462626% correct. I am actually writing about a disturbing phenomena that I recently heard about. Apparently, some fine Floridians have bought several species of snakes that are not indigenous to the U.S. and released them into the wild when they got to big to care for.

My first question is this, if a person likes snakes enough to buy one, how big would it have to be for that person to believe it is to big to care for. Well in several articles I read today, these snakes have grown to be around 13 feet long (think about this, if it were standing on its tail, its head would be at the TOP of the backboard of a basketball hoop) and can get to be 20 feet long and up to 200 frickin' pounds. These snakes are so big that they can go toe to toe with alligators and panthers. ALLIGATORS AND PANTHERS. Uh, Houston, we have a problem.

Why in the name of all that is good and civilized on this earth, would someone KNOWINGLY release a creature that can swim and has tremendous stealth skills into the wild. Which leads us back to the title of this article. Free will allows people to be really stupid. Like, releasing animals that can eat the neighbors' kids kind of stupid. You think I'm exaggerating? One South Florida python ate a 76 pound deer and that, ain't no lie. We all know that the zombie apocalypse is not real. But to be frank, if I had to choose between fighting a zombie or anaconda invasion (another one of the breeds that has been released in Florida) I would probably flip a coin.

Finally, researchers discovered that these snakes can survive very cold temperatures. In fact, it wasn't until temperatures dropped below freezing for several nights in a row that the snakes died.

But there is some good news. These creatures can be killed by modern day fire arms like shotguns, missile launchers, and flamethrowers. I would also recommend investing in a couple of gallons of liquid nitrogen for good measure. In addition, the Florida government has begun to take efforts to eliminate these creatures, eggs and all. If you want to read exactly where I got this information from, I will include the links to all four articles at the bottom of this post.

Remember Genesis chapter three, these snakes want to bruise our heels, but we shall crush their heads (with a concrete block if need be).

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The Editor recommends that everyone watch Aragorn's speech at the Black Gate or Theoden's speech at the Fields of Pellenor from The Return of The King before confronting these creatures in mortal combat. I'll post it here for your convenience.