How To Catch Vermin: A Critical Analysis of Catching Mice, Snakes, Spiders, and Camel Crickets (devil bugs).

Over the past six months I have captured and killed all types of wild life. I have decided to share my expertise with the rest of society.  May you all have better luck than I did.

1) Spiders: I am not talking about your run of the mill spider. I am talking about spiders the size of a Kodak camera. You heard right, a Kodak camera. To handle a spider of this magnitude you must first handle yourself.  Purge Yourself of All Fear. Then, and only then, will you be ready to take down this monstrosity. To purge yourself of all fear, I recommend using a scalpel.  The incisions are very precise and the skin heals very quickly.  It is very important to destroy the fear as soon as possible, or else it will spread to some hapless bystander.  If you use C4, I can guarantee that the fear will not come back. Your floor may never come back either, but no sacrifice, no victory. Secondly, try to find Prince Phillip's sword and shield from Sleeping Beauty and simply stab the spider in the head. If you cannot find these items, improvise with a high intensity paralyzing spray (brand name Hot Shot) and a snow boot. Then spray the spider five to six times for optimal paralysis. Now for the coup de grace. Lift the snow boot approximately four feet in the air then at an average velocity of 45 feet per second slam the shoe down on the spider.  The blunt force trauma will shatter the thorax of the spider, the internal organs will explode, and death will quickly follow. If you don't want to feel the spider when you dispose of it, stab it with a knife, and then carry it to the toilet. I shouldn't have to say this but I will: please flush the toilet after you put the spider in there.

If you follow these directions, success will follow you like a stray dog.

Look for part 2, Camel Crickets, to come soon.