How To Catch Vermin: A Critical Analysis of Catching Mice, Snakes, Spiders, and Camel Crickets (devil bugs). Part 2

Their name strikes fear in the heart of men (and women) everywhere.
Their grotesque appearance would turn Medusa to stone.
Their leaping ability rivals Spider-man's.
Their skeleton is softer than Charmaine Ultra.


They are.......CAMEL CRICKETS.
Strengths: intimidation, fear gas, and leaping ability.
Weaknesses: Stupidity, durability, did I mention stupidity?

How to kill them:
Step 1- Sneak up behind the Camel Cricket, aka devil bugs, in order to avoid the fear gas secreted by their antennae.
Step 2- Lift the  paper towel, or napkin, three inches above the head of the devil bug.
Step 3- With complete conviction, slam the napkin down on the rear legs of the devil bug (to keep it from leaping away.
Step 4- Throw the devil bug away.

Now many of you are probably thinking, "Why can't we use a fly swatter?"  Are you kidding me???  You use a fly swatter when you don't want to be close to your enemy. Why wouldn't you want to be close to your enemy?? Because you still have fear in your heart!!!  As I said in the last post, you must purge yourself of all fear.  There are no ifs, ands, or buts, about it.  When you are fearless, you will see the devil bug for what it truly is, an impostor.  They talk the talk, but they can't walk the walk. To be fair, they can hop the hop.  Before I conclude, I want to make one statement about fly swatters.  If the insect is out of reach, you may use a fly swatter.

Now that you all have been properly chastised for your fearfulness, be bold! Go out and rid the world of these menaces to society. And remember, if you follow my advice, success will follow you like a stray dog. Or a shadow.  Or a stalker. You choose.

There is no fate, but what we make. (Terminator music plays in background).

How To Catch Vermin: A Critical Analysis of Catching Mice, Snakes, Spiders, and Camel Crickets (devil bugs).

Over the past six months I have captured and killed all types of wild life. I have decided to share my expertise with the rest of society.  May you all have better luck than I did.

1) Spiders: I am not talking about your run of the mill spider. I am talking about spiders the size of a Kodak camera. You heard right, a Kodak camera. To handle a spider of this magnitude you must first handle yourself.  Purge Yourself of All Fear. Then, and only then, will you be ready to take down this monstrosity. To purge yourself of all fear, I recommend using a scalpel.  The incisions are very precise and the skin heals very quickly.  It is very important to destroy the fear as soon as possible, or else it will spread to some hapless bystander.  If you use C4, I can guarantee that the fear will not come back. Your floor may never come back either, but no sacrifice, no victory. Secondly, try to find Prince Phillip's sword and shield from Sleeping Beauty and simply stab the spider in the head. If you cannot find these items, improvise with a high intensity paralyzing spray (brand name Hot Shot) and a snow boot. Then spray the spider five to six times for optimal paralysis. Now for the coup de grace. Lift the snow boot approximately four feet in the air then at an average velocity of 45 feet per second slam the shoe down on the spider.  The blunt force trauma will shatter the thorax of the spider, the internal organs will explode, and death will quickly follow. If you don't want to feel the spider when you dispose of it, stab it with a knife, and then carry it to the toilet. I shouldn't have to say this but I will: please flush the toilet after you put the spider in there.

If you follow these directions, success will follow you like a stray dog.

Look for part 2, Camel Crickets, to come soon.

I'm back............ Again

Hello everyone, yes I am still alive. Due to factors outside of my control (professors who like to give lots of homework) I had to put the blog on hold. Again. Fortunately, choosing homework over blogging paid off when I got the old GPA back. Never-the-less, I appreciate the fact that you all kept me accountable by reminding that I was over due. Oh wait...... that was me. Oh well, you all know the saying, "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself." Expect posts sporadically over the holidays. I have a lot to talk about (yes ChristianMingle.com, I am talking about you). Here are some coming posts.

1) How To Catch Vermin: A Critical Analysis of Catching Mice, Snakes, Spiders, and Camel Crickets (devil bugs).

2) 25 of my favorite movie quotes. Ten just wasn't enough.

3) Christian Mingle: Is God to slow for you???

4) Top ten favorite movies of all time.