How To Catch Vermin: A Critical Analysis of Catching Mice, Snakes, Spiders, and Camel Crickets (devil bugs). Part 2

Their name strikes fear in the heart of men (and women) everywhere.
Their grotesque appearance would turn Medusa to stone.
Their leaping ability rivals Spider-man's.
Their skeleton is softer than Charmaine Ultra.


They are.......CAMEL CRICKETS.
Strengths: intimidation, fear gas, and leaping ability.
Weaknesses: Stupidity, durability, did I mention stupidity?

How to kill them:
Step 1- Sneak up behind the Camel Cricket, aka devil bugs, in order to avoid the fear gas secreted by their antennae.
Step 2- Lift the  paper towel, or napkin, three inches above the head of the devil bug.
Step 3- With complete conviction, slam the napkin down on the rear legs of the devil bug (to keep it from leaping away.
Step 4- Throw the devil bug away.

Now many of you are probably thinking, "Why can't we use a fly swatter?"  Are you kidding me???  You use a fly swatter when you don't want to be close to your enemy. Why wouldn't you want to be close to your enemy?? Because you still have fear in your heart!!!  As I said in the last post, you must purge yourself of all fear.  There are no ifs, ands, or buts, about it.  When you are fearless, you will see the devil bug for what it truly is, an impostor.  They talk the talk, but they can't walk the walk. To be fair, they can hop the hop.  Before I conclude, I want to make one statement about fly swatters.  If the insect is out of reach, you may use a fly swatter.

Now that you all have been properly chastised for your fearfulness, be bold! Go out and rid the world of these menaces to society. And remember, if you follow my advice, success will follow you like a stray dog. Or a shadow.  Or a stalker. You choose.

There is no fate, but what we make. (Terminator music plays in background).

How To Catch Vermin: A Critical Analysis of Catching Mice, Snakes, Spiders, and Camel Crickets (devil bugs).

Over the past six months I have captured and killed all types of wild life. I have decided to share my expertise with the rest of society.  May you all have better luck than I did.

1) Spiders: I am not talking about your run of the mill spider. I am talking about spiders the size of a Kodak camera. You heard right, a Kodak camera. To handle a spider of this magnitude you must first handle yourself.  Purge Yourself of All Fear. Then, and only then, will you be ready to take down this monstrosity. To purge yourself of all fear, I recommend using a scalpel.  The incisions are very precise and the skin heals very quickly.  It is very important to destroy the fear as soon as possible, or else it will spread to some hapless bystander.  If you use C4, I can guarantee that the fear will not come back. Your floor may never come back either, but no sacrifice, no victory. Secondly, try to find Prince Phillip's sword and shield from Sleeping Beauty and simply stab the spider in the head. If you cannot find these items, improvise with a high intensity paralyzing spray (brand name Hot Shot) and a snow boot. Then spray the spider five to six times for optimal paralysis. Now for the coup de grace. Lift the snow boot approximately four feet in the air then at an average velocity of 45 feet per second slam the shoe down on the spider.  The blunt force trauma will shatter the thorax of the spider, the internal organs will explode, and death will quickly follow. If you don't want to feel the spider when you dispose of it, stab it with a knife, and then carry it to the toilet. I shouldn't have to say this but I will: please flush the toilet after you put the spider in there.

If you follow these directions, success will follow you like a stray dog.

Look for part 2, Camel Crickets, to come soon.

I'm back............ Again

Hello everyone, yes I am still alive. Due to factors outside of my control (professors who like to give lots of homework) I had to put the blog on hold. Again. Fortunately, choosing homework over blogging paid off when I got the old GPA back. Never-the-less, I appreciate the fact that you all kept me accountable by reminding that I was over due. Oh wait...... that was me. Oh well, you all know the saying, "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself." Expect posts sporadically over the holidays. I have a lot to talk about (yes ChristianMingle.com, I am talking about you). Here are some coming posts.

1) How To Catch Vermin: A Critical Analysis of Catching Mice, Snakes, Spiders, and Camel Crickets (devil bugs).

2) 25 of my favorite movie quotes. Ten just wasn't enough.

3) Christian Mingle: Is God to slow for you???

4) Top ten favorite movies of all time.

I'm Back...........

After a five month hiatus, I love tex mex has risen from the ashes of apathy, and become something new, something powerful. No more Tex Mex. No more Pizzaman (except for the web address). From now on call me This mortal body has become weak, I need sustenance. From now until Christmas I will be counting down twenty five top ten categories.  Anything from books, food, and PVCC moments (this list might be a top 2), it will all be here. So tune in biweekly (notice the play on words there, weak and weekly), same bat time, same bat channel.

Goodbye moon

If you have ever read the children's book Goodnight Moon, you know it is a very simple book. Essentially the child says goodnight to all the objects in his/her room before going to bed. May 13, 2011, I will be doing  a similar thing. It will be the best of times, it will be the worst of times. We all knew it would happen one day; however, I find myself sorely unprepared for its ending. May 13, 2011 is the last time Smallville will grace our television screens live. All the characters which we have grown to love, (or hate), will leave us concerned for their fates in offscreenville. No more cliff hanger finales, no more mid season hiatus, no more visiting websites to get spoilers concerning future episodes. No more Smallville.  Yes, we'll still have Young Justice, and Batman the Brave and the Bold but animated shows don't allow you to have a true emotional attachment to the characters like a live action show can. Oh well, maybe someone will make a spin off sometime in the near future. But in till then, after 10 years (4.5 for myself), it is time to say our farewell. Goodbye Clark. Goodbye Lois. Goodbye Ollie. Goodbye Chloe. Goodnight moon.

And you thought Friday the 13th was bad.... Part 1

It was a dark and gloomy morning. It had been raining the night before, and I was cruelly awakened by my alarm clock. Sleepily I hit the snooze button to give myself nine more minutes of bliss. Around two minutes later I lazily rolled over to see how much time I had left before the alarm would make a reappearance. "h'mm, the alarm clock seems to have lost its rosy complexion." I thought to myself (the numbers are red). Then I noticed that our fan was slowing down...and neither I nor my brother had turned it off. It was a mystery!! I sprang out of bed and grabbed my watch to see what time it was when it hit like me like a whiff of Jared's diaper. THE POWER IS OUT (all caps is added to show the seriousness of the situation).  After making this discovery, I scoured the house to make sure everyone else was aware of the travesty. After using my GBA (Gameboy Advance) as a light as a quickly relieved myself in total darkness, I preceded to fetch some breakfast from the refrigerator. Then the eternal wisdom of my mother entered my mind. "never open a refrigerator when the power is out. The food will spoil". Heeding the words of my mother I proceeding to eat a lean breakfast of raisins and cheese nips. Then the unthinkable happened. One of my sisters, who shall remain nameless, walked out of her room and opened the fridge to see what lie within to satisfy her hunger. I sat there, motionless and numb due to the shock. After watching her do it twice more, it took all of my strength to re-swallow my breakfast.  Eventually my father appeared from the depths of his room and we proceeded to leave for work, tired and hungry (kinda how I feel after work).  Jokingly he said he hoped that the street lights would be working. If only we had known that this was just the beginning.

                                               Welcome to.................

                                                                  WEDNESDAY THE 13TH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To be continued.......

the funnies

When  I sat down at the computer I had decided to write about the basketball tournament a was in last week. However, as I was waiting for Inspiration to come I began to browse old e-mails that my dad had sent me. Then I was inspired. I have decided to In close a few of my favorite jokes of all time. (If you are offended don't blame me just blame my dad. I just posted it.) I will include a short summary in order to enhance you viewing pleasure.

P.S.new pages 1.2 and 2.1 contain the all-time greatest e-mails ever. Do not drink while reading.


This person is not that bright

I was in the bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Crafty joke



One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs.... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.


Sarcasm joke

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow

for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line

when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.



What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have

little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was

starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,

because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50

pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out

of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms..



I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that

it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply

eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally

complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.. (I have to

mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with

my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because

the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff

an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.


I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was

laughing so hard.


Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.. They have all the time in the

world to think of crazy things to say.

Last one....

& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, the manufacturer will stop making it.

& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Sugru

For my engineering class, we have been learning about polymers. As a result, we have learned about a new substance called Sugru. I had to write a paper describing Sugru and its creation for my engineering class. Then suddenly I had a thought, "Hey, since I'm writing this incredibly detailed paper for my engineering class, I should post my paper on my blog so my faithful and devoted followers can read it." Basically, I am killing two birds with one stone. (No mom, this is not a cop out, this is creativity at its best.) So here is my paper in all its glory.

Note: Hack means to find a clever solution to a problem you have.

Sugru is the creation of Jane ní Dhulchaointigh, an Irish woman who was inspired to create the material by objects she encountered in her every day life.  The main reason Jane decided to create Sugru stemmed from her desire to stop replacing items that she already owned.  To create this mystery substance Jane recruited two material scientists, Ian and Steve, to bring the substance to life. After seven years of following the design cycle (understanding, brainstorming, constructing, testing, and reviewing), the mystery substance came to life in the form of Sugru.  Officially called formerol, Sugru is a silicone based polymer.  A polymer is a chain of large molecules. Polymers are known for their elasticity, strength and toughness. In its initial state, Sugru’s properties resemble Play-Doh, it is malleable and can be molded and shaped into many different designs.  However, Sugru’s usefulness rests not only in its initial clay-like state, but also in a hard, durable state as well.  After being exposed to air, you have thirty minutes to mold the Sugru into the shape or form you wish to create. Once molded, the Sugru needs to around twenty four hours to cure before it sets.  Following the curing process, Sugru becomes a tough and flexible compound that is water and heat resistant and can also stick other materials. Sugru is heat and cold resistant from negative sixty degrees Fahrenheit to three hundred and fifty degrees Fahrenheit. Due to its many resistances, Sugru has many uses.  People have used Sugru to fix glasses, repair shoes, and create grips for cameras and other hand-held devices.  Using Sugru on every day objects can increase the durability and decrease the wear and tear the objects go through. Conveniently, Sugru is also dishwasher and washing machine safe, allowing it to be used on dishes, glasses, and clothes.  Thanks to Jane ní Dhulchaointigh, we no longer need to worry about holes in our shoes, or replacing a bowl because it has a small chip in it. All we have to do is grab  some Sugru and hack it!

Games you''ll love

Today I am going to plug a website that has provided me hours of entertainment for free. Engineering.com has around 64 games that encourage thing creatively and logically. If you are a artsy type person, this site my not be for you. However, as stated previously, there are quite a few games and I have only played ten myself. So there my be hope for you yet. Of the games on the site that I enjoy there are Battleship(think the popular board game), Use Boxmen( you must use the boxmen to reach the box at the end of each level), and Bouncy (to complicated to explain, try it out for your self.). One note, always read the instructions. Also included on the site for those you enjoy a scientific challenge are scientific puzzles that quiz on various scientific topics.(example, name scientific things that start with the letter I.)  All in all, this is a fun website that causes you to have fun AND think at the same time.

National Championship: Oregon vs. Auburn

Wow. I never would have guessed that the final score between two teams that averaged over forty points a game would end up being 22-19. Throughout the game, I was constantly on the edge of my seat, knowing that at any moment the game could escalate into a high powered shoot out. While I was disappointed that Oregon lost the game I was very happy that the game was competitive, unlike last years championship game.

That said, I have some serious problems with Oregon's play calling throughout the game. I know the philosophy is  "establish the run" to open up the pass. However, if your star running back, who was a Heisman trophy candidate, can't get more than two yards past the line of scrimmage sometimes you have to throw the ball. And by throw the ball I don't mean have your running back run to the flat only to stop four yards BEHIND the lane of scrimmage so you can throw him a pass. Last time I checked, Auburn was slightly better than Yale (no offense to Yale). Oregon's line was as porous as cheese cloth.  It seemed like every play Oregon would go, "Okay this time you get to sack the QB number 42, and after you we'll let numbers 56 and 89 take a crack at it". Then it happened. Near the end of the third quarter Oregon had the ball on the Auburn 1 yard line and ran the ball 4 straight times. Let me repeat that. They ran the ball FOUR straight times. Are you kidding me! Why in the name of all that is good and right on this earth would you run the ball 4 times in a row. It's incomprehensible. Play-action was invented for a reason so lets put to good use for Pete's sake. It was ridiculous. At the end of the day, the team with better coach won.

Hopefully, Chip Kelly will watch the Patriots and Falcons play so he can learn how to execute the Play-Action. It's not like its rocket science. Its Football. In the words of Keyshaun Johnson, "C'mon Man!"