Drive Slowly and Carry a Big Shotgun.....

*****Due the the sensitive nature of the information disseminated in the blog post, not to mention the fact that it contains details pertinent to national security, all names will be concealed for the protection of those involved*****

"If someone stands in the way of true justice, you simply walk up behind them and stab them in the heart."

If a deer stands in the middle of the road, you simply step on the brake and hit them with the cart.

There is a storm coming; no, the storm has already arrived.  The leaves tremble as fear travels down their delicate veins.  Our worst fears have been realized, A fire is rising, a revolt is coming.  Deer have begun to commit acts of terrorism against the United States of America due to what they believe to be incorrect interpretations of their character in Disney movies.  GASP!!!! 

Please, contemplate the gravity of what you have just read.

Please, stop contemplating the gravity of what you have just read.  

I too, was skeptical when a reliable source gave this information.  Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, my ignorance did not last. Last night I came face to face (or at least body to front of car) with my doubts.  My father was boldly navigating the perilous I-64 with its long straightaways that can lull a man to sleep easier than the sound of rain gently hitting the roof, like millions of tiny marbles dropping on a lane in a bowling alley.

Me and my brother were doing our best to counter the hypnotic powers of the blacktop.  Then, we saw an unusual sight. 

A deer, was walking across the road, just crossing into the right lane which we happened to be driving in.  Seeing as the deer didn't know we would be driving back so late, we decide to forgive his intrusion and we calmly slowed down and moved into the left lane.  It was here that we encountered the ugly truth.  This deer, this "poor innocent" deer, KNEW (aka was aware of, found out, was not surprised by, etc.) we would be coming.  Just as we had settled into the left lane, the deer stopped, turned around, and leaped into the left lane! Inconceivable, unacceptable, unconstitutional, and downright "retributionable"!! And you better believe we got retribution.

I know "retributionable" is not a word. It was added for humorous purposes. A little artistic license, if you will. Pretend I'm a poet if it makes you feel better.
**** This comment was added after the post was originally published****

The story resumes now.

We hit that sucker full on and it was a unholy impact. He (it was a buck with a full rack of antlers) bounced off the front of the car, hit the ground, then tried to bounce on the the hood of the car to inflict maximum damage by hitting the windshield but Michael (with impeccable timing) flew down and slammed him back to the ground. The car hit him again, he rolled a couple of times as he was pushed by the car (although by this time he was probably closer to being venison than a deer) and then he shot like a rocket into the grass next to the road.

Me and my brother, like all decent, self respecting, humble men, were silent in shocked stupor as Dad pulled the car off the road.  If others had under gone this experience I'm sure an accurate account of their experience would be filled with these particular characters: #,$,%, and * and I would not condemn them for it.  After all, not many people know what to do when the abyss looks back.

As Dad promptly called the insurance company to report the accident I, being cognizant that we probably wouldn't be able to drive home, had the presence of mind to text my sister and inform her of our current predicament (seeing as she was already in town digging into the Word with her college fellowship).  Unfortunately, she had turned her cell phone off so she wouldn't be distracted and neglected to turn it back on until after she had passed us on the highway (a mere twenty minutes after my text).

Eventually, the tow truck arrived but we couldn't leave until we had given our statements to certain agencies with three letter abbreviations.   While Dad was giving his statement, I thanked the tow truck driver for showing up.  He said no problem and then, with the promise that I would not reveal his name, told me that this was the FOURTH attack he had visited in two days. Not 1, not 2, not 3,  but 4 attacks, all within seven miles of each other.  Imagine how many attacks have occurred across the nation.  Thankfully, the Lord had stirred several people to pray that night and I believed it played an integral part in the partial failure of this mission.  For while no one was hurt, our vehicle was injured in the attack. I know my father  would appreciate it if you could keep him in your prayers.

These are serious times we live in.  It has become clear that the deer you see in your backyard are actually advanced recon troops hacking into your Wi-Fi to gather critical intel   They are examining human behavior so they can better understand our driving patterns.  I believe that they have accidentally begun to eat marijuana plants which explains their brazen attitude.

While these developments are dire we must remember the words of John F. Kennedy when confronted by a Zombie attack in the Pentagon. "Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men. Lock and load!!"

As all ways, this is T.M.B.H.G.W.I.N.S. signing off.  Remember, if you follow my advice, success shall follow you like a stray dog chasing cars.