How To Catch Vermin: A Critical Analysis of Catching Mice, Snakes, Spiders, and Camel Crickets (devil bugs). Part 3

Faster than a speeding bullet.

Lighter than a cotton ball.

Able to leap small boxes in a single bound.

Supermice.

These mysterious creatures first appeared this past summer in a little know town called Troyville. While scientists don't know where they came from, they have discovered unknown proteins in their DNA. These proteins seem to account for their enhanced physical attributes which make them extremely difficult to catch. Fortunately, scientists have been able to study four specimens which were handed over by a family in Troyville.  After reading their report and studying the specimens, we have discover a foolproof way to capture and detain this new menace. 

Step 1. Go for the kill. Do not try to capture these "Supermice".  Our sources tell us that not a single one of these creatures has ever been captured alive. It seems they have a natural suicide instinct; when they sense imminent capture, such as being captured in a box, they always end up dead (we suspect cyanide) . Don't waste your time trying to capture them or else you could end up spending an hour in a 12x10 room carrying couches and moving  stacks of DVDs and other movies.

Step 2. Once you have decided to kill the intruder, you must arm yourself with the proper tools. We have been told that that couches are quite effective; however, getting the mouse to climb into the couch could be problematic. In addition, you could end up breaking your couch if the mouse doesn't fall out of the couch when it dies. As you all know, couches were not made to be lifted on one end and shaken. We recommend a baseball bat or even a golf club, preferably a driver or a three wood.

Step 3. How many people does it take to kill a mouse? Five, one to lift the couch the mouse is hiding behind, three to swing the golf clubs (or baseball bats) at the mouse, and one to yell and point where the mouse is running. We recommend that all the participants where helmets and body armor, as black eyes and concussions have been reported.

Thank you for reading the latest issue of Exterminator weekly. Look for our next issue where we teach to you how to rid your home of other vile and voracious vermin.

Remember, if you follow our advice, success will follow you like fleas on a rat.